64 Kinds of Grief the World Overlooks

The phrase "disenfranchised grief" came from grief researcher Ken Doka about twenty years ago. He described it this way:

"Grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned or publicly mourned".

Doka noted that this kind of unrecognized grief usually stems from one of a few situations, sometimes several at once:

1. The loss itself isn't viewed as something worth grieving (for example, losses that don't involve a death)
2. The relationship carries a stigma (for example, a partner in an affair)
3. The cause of death is stigmatized (for example, suicide or an overdose)
4. The grieving person isn't recognized as someone who should be grieving (for example, a coworker or a former partner)
5. The way a person grieves is judged (for example, showing no visible emotion, or showing what others see as too much)

What's worth noticing here is how much room this definition leaves. Disenfranchised grief isn't a fixed label. It's relative, and it depends on your circumstances. You and I could go through the exact same loss. In your world, among your friends and community, it might be fully acknowledged and mourned in the open. In mine, it might be met with silence. Same loss, but for me it becomes disenfranchised, and for you it does not.

That's why these losses look so different from one person to the next, and from one community to another. This became clear when members of a grief community were asked to name losses they had felt as disenfranchised. The responses poured in. Here they are, gathered into a single list.

[If you want to understand the concept more deeply and find tips for coping, there's a full primer on disenfranchised grief.]

64 examples of disenfranchised grief and loss

1. A death by suicide
2. A death by drug overdose
3. Death of a pet
4. Infertility
5. Loss of a home
6. Grieving someone you didn't know well
7. Grieving someone you didn't know at all (like a celebrity)
8. Grieving someone you only knew online (cyber loss)
9. The death of a sibling
10. Grief that others think has lasted 'too long'
11. Loss of someone elderly
12. A death by homicide
13. A death from HIV/AIDS
14. Getting clean and the loss of the drug
15. Death of the partner in an extramarital affair
16. Loss of a job
17. Divorce
18. Moving and losing your community
19. Grieving someone you can't remember (for example, a parent who died when you were an infant)
20. Grieving someone who died before you were born (an older sibling who died before your birth)
21. Dying from childbirth
22. Death of an ex-spouse or ex-partner
23. Death of a same-sex partner
24. Miscarriage and stillbirth
25. Estrangement from family
26. Loss of meaningful objects or belongings
27. Not showing 'enough' emotion while grieving
28. Showing 'too much' emotion while grieving
29. Loss of language, culture, and tradition
30. Loss of your hopes and dreams for the future
31. Grief following an abortion
32. Grief following adoption
33. Learning a secret, or finding out someone wasn't who you believed they were
34. Grieving someone who is still living (see #34–41)
35. Grieving a loved one with Alzheimer's or dementia
36. Grieving a loved one with a substance use disorder
37. Grieving someone who has had a traumatic brain injury
38. Grieving someone living with severe mental illness
39. Grieving someone who has run away
40. Grieving someone who has disappeared
41. Grieving someone who is incarcerated
42. Grieving a family separated by foster care
43. Loss of physical health
44. Loss of independence
45. The death of a coworker
46. The death of a patient or client
47. Loss of a 'lifestyle' (losing financial means, or getting clean from drugs or alcohol)
48. Death of a stepchild or stepparent
49. Death of a foster child or foster parent
50. Death caused by child abuse
51. Death of the driver in a drunk driving crash
52. Death of someone in a 'stigmatized' peer group (a gang member, someone using or selling drugs, and so on)
53. Loss of faith or religious identity
54. 'Circumstantial infertility' (wanting a child but having no partner to raise one with)
55. Loss of identity or sense of self
56. A foster child being reunited with their biological family
57. Grieving a close friend
58. Grieving an unmarried partner
59. Feeling abandoned by a parent who stays involved but remains distant after a divorce
60. Not having a 'good' relationship with a parent, sibling, or other relative
61. Death of a doctor or therapist
62. Feeling let down or abandoned by friends, family, or community
63. The death of someone you hadn't seen or spoken to in years
64. Being seen as incapable of grief at all (someone with a mental disability, or a young child)